“Why don’t they just leave?” is one of the most common questions asked when discussing people experiencing intimate partner violence. Yet the question overlooks the psychological, emotional, financial and social realities of abuse.
Perhaps the more important question is:
What makes leaving so difficult, and sometimes so dangerous?
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Leaving Is Not a Single Event
Leaving an abusive relationship is rarely one decisive moment. For many survivors, it is a complex and non-linear process involving recognising the abuse, considering available options, planning, attempting to leave and sometimes returning.
There are practical barriers, for example:
- A survivor may have no independent income, nowhere safe to live or children whose wellbeing they fear compromising.
- Cultural or religious expectations, stigma, distrust of institutions and limited access to support can make leaving even more difficult.
There are also psychological barriers, for example:
- Prolonged abuse can leave someone experiencing diminished self-worth, confusion, shame, guilt, fear and self-doubt.
- They may have internalised the perpetrator’s messages or come to believe that they cannot survive independently.
A person may therefore physically be able to leave while psychologically feeling completely trapped.
Why Do Some Survivors Return?
Returning to an abusive relationship is another behaviour that is frequently misunderstood.
A survivor may return because of fear, financial dependence, concern for children, ongoing threats, emotional attachment or hope that the relationship will improve. Returning may therefore reflect a complex calculation about survival rather than acceptance of the abuse.
Trauma bonding can further complicate this process. When fear and mistreatment alternate with affection, apologies and periods of warmth, powerful emotional attachments can develop.
Understanding these dynamics changes how we respond. A survivor who returns does not need judgement. They need continued access to support and opportunities for safety.
Leaving Is Not the Same as Healing
Physical separation is an important step, but it does not automatically undo the psychological consequences of abuse.
Control may continue after separation through financial harassment, custody disputes, stalking, digital surveillance or intimidation. Survivors may also continue experiencing fear, self-doubt and difficulty trusting their own judgement.
Healing may involve processing what happened, rebuilding self-trust, reconnecting with one’s identity and learning that safety no longer requires constantly anticipating another person’s reactions.
Final Thoughts
Leaving may be the beginning of a longer journey towards surviving, healing and ultimately thriving.
Perhaps, then, we need to change the questions we ask.
Instead of “Why did you stay?”, we can ask “What made it difficult to leave?”
Instead of “Why did you go back?”, we can ask “What support did you need?”
And instead of assuming that leaving should be simple, we can ask:
“How can we help make safety and healing possible?”
If you are passionate about supporting individuals, families and communities facing social and psychosocial challenges, the Social Counselling Worker qualification provides an opportunity to develop practical skills for providing supportive counselling, psychoeducation and appropriate referral within the scope of the Social Counselling Worker role.
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